WHAT’s THE POINT?
I totally understand how shallow it looks for me to be competing in fitness competitions. I thought the same when I was on the outside looking in. When I began this journey 2 years ago for my first show I didn’t commit to “look hot” I did it to prove to myself and to my students that you can always get better physically no matter what your starting point. I thought that was going to be my lesson. I thought that I would prove to everyone around me that the body is an amazing tool (which it is). I thought that it would be challenging, but didn’t know to what lengths I’d have to sacrifice. All of my thoughts were validated and those lessons learned, but it was not my big takeaway.
A LONG JOURNEY
I trained for seven months. I was in the gym every single day building muscle. I made each and every meal adhering to my macros (proteins, fats, carbs). I didn’t drink alcohol and guzzled gallons of water a day. In contrast as show day neared I wasn’t drinking any water and I was sweating any water that was left in my body out for 30 minutes in a 175 degree box and not eating any carbs. I was literally taking my body to it’s ultimate limits. From THIS place where I was most depleted and vulnerable I learned what I was meant to. I wrote it best here in and excerpt from a piece I wrote for The Sweat Life
I was in a dress rehearsal for a fitness competition (to set the scene, it was girls strutting their stuff in their bikinis and heels while being judged by our coaches). I had trained for months, I looked amazing, but all I could think as I walked (you can’t call what I did a strut, more a sulk) was “I’m not good enough”. I was comparing myself to everyone around me, feeling shame, instead of standing tall and loving and appreciating the body I had created. I walked all the way home, hyperventilating and crying. I wondered how I gotten back to this place — and this time it was worse because I wasn’t the wrong size for my body any longer, but it felt that way. I had no idea how I was going to step on that stage in two days time.
When I got home to my apartment, looking a mess, I began to breathe. I realized that this was the best possible thing that could ever have happened FOR me. There was a part of me inside that still didn’t feel good enough, even in a time where I had given my everything. It was revolutionary for me, knowing that I still had this inside of me. I thought I had gotten over it, accepted and loved myself, but I still had work to do.
The next morning I hit the gym, threw on my 7-inch sparkly heels, whipped off my t-shirt, and cranked Beyonce. I walked (or shall I say strutted, because it was FIERCE) like I never had before. I remembered that I was here on this earth to be something special. That giving in to crappy thoughts will never get me anywhere but looking like a hot mess walking down NYC streets. I had to pick myself up and remember why I had started this journey in the first place — and that was to be an example to my students, that there’s always room to improve, and you can always best your best.
IT’S A NEW DAY
I remembered why I started, but what I learned is that I AM enough no matter what size my body is. For me this is a challenge is different this go-round. I’m not competing to get onstage as I did last time. This time I want to WIN. I know what it takes and I’m committed to giving it my ALL. Last time I was a HUGE B^%#! Anytime anyone asked me how I was my response would be, “Sore and hungry.” No joke, I was zero fun to be around. This time I’m doing it with grace and ease. I have a deep meditation and yoga practice that I believe will help with the “sore and hungry” moments. I am grateful to have a healthy body that I can push with intense diet and training. April 1st is GAME DAY…here we go TEAM (because it takes a village!)
I’ll be posting my weekly photos. Week I: December 12th 128.2 lbs
YOU WANNA #GETFIERCE WITH ME?
- 6:30AM Team Cycling, SWERVE, 21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 7:30AM Team Cycling, SWERVE,21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 6:00AM Team Cycling, SWERVE, 30 West 18th Street Register HERE
- 5:30PM Team Cycling, SWERVE,21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 6:30PM Team Cycling, SWERVE,21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 7:30AM Team Cycling, SWERVE, 21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 12:30PM Team Cycling, SWERVE,21 West 46th St., Register HERE
- 6:00PM SMALL GROUP Healing Bowl Meditation, 35 East 10th Street, 6E, Register HERE
- 8:15AM 60 MINUTE Team Cycling, SWERVE, 30 West 18th Street Register HERE
- 9:30AM Team Cycling, SWERVE, 30 West 18th Street Register HERE
LET’S #GETFIERCE TOGETHER!